Eye Contact in Childhood

This article discusses the role of eye contact in childhood social communication. It emphasizes that while eye contact can be a valuable tool for connection and engagement, it's not the only way to communicate, and children may have different comfort levels with it. The author cautions against forcing eye contact or over-analyzing its absence. Ultimately, the article promotes understanding and acceptance of individual differences in communication styles, emphasizing the importance of connection and celebrating each child's unique strengths.

by | Oct 25, 2024 | Communicating

Connecting With and Without Eye Contact: A Guide For Parents

Eye contact can be a powerful form of nonverbal communication. It’s one way for children to connect with others, show interest, and build relationships. While some children naturally engage in eye contact, others may find it challenging or even uncomfortable.

This article offers an affirming look at eye contact in childhood. We’ll explore potential challenges, and provide practical strategies to support your child whether they are comfortable using eye contact or not. We will consider different communication styles without eye contact and how you can foster and affirm your child’s own unique style.

What is Eye Contact in Childhood?

Eye contact in childhood is the ability to connect with and show interest in other people by looking them in the eye. 

A word on eye contact in autism

The issue of eye contact in autistic people is one of the most common misunderstandings in the popular media.

Some autistic kids make eye contact just like neurotypical or non-autistic people. 

Some autistic kids do not make much eye contact in conversation.

Please be aware that avoiding eye contact can be a coping skill or an adaptive strategy for autistic people. There is nothing wrong with that.

The old thinking was to correct this behavior and require autistic kids to look you in the eye. The newer understanding is that there are many ways to connect with another person without eye contact. You can talk to someone side-by-side or even back-to-back. You can walk and talk without ever looking directly into someone’s face.

Do not make the mistake of thinking the non-autistic way is the right way. When people are highly sensitive to sensory input, eye contact can be difficult or even painful. It is important that adults do not make the mistake of forcing eye contact or assuming a child is being rude by not making eye contact. 

Eye Contact for Communication

The reason eye contact can be helpful is as a tool for social connection. Although it should not be forced, here are some of the reasons eye contact is a skill that can support conversation or social interaction.

Here are some ways that eye contact can help with communication.

  • Show interest and engagement: Eye contact conveys that you are paying attention and interested in what the other person is saying.
  • Build connection and trust: It helps establish a sense of connection and rapport.
  • Regulate communication: Eye contact can signal turn-taking in conversations and help ensure smooth communication flow.

While eye contact can be a valuable social skill, it’s important to remember that every child is unique and may have their own comfort level with it. 

A word on eye contact in the classroom

Teachers in the classroom need not assume that a child who is not making eye contact is inattentive or ignoring the instruction.

If the child is following directions just fine without eye contact, there is no need to worry about it in the classroom. If a teacher or other adult is concerned about the child’s attention, try going over to the child and sitting side-by-side. Can you have the conversation that way? If so, this child may learn much better in your classroom using an approach like this.

Signs Your Child May Need Support

  • Unusual eye contact: Your child may avoid eye contact altogether, stare excessively, or have difficulty using eye contact appropriately in social situations.
  • Challenges with nonverbal communication: They may struggle to read facial expressions, body language, or other social cues.
  • Social difficulties: They may have difficulty making friends, engaging in conversations, or understanding social dynamics.
  • Sensory sensitivities: Eye contact may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable for children with sensory processing differences.

It’s important to approach these challenges with understanding and compassion. Let’s explore some of the common reasons why a child might struggle with eye contact.

Potential Causes for Difficulty with Eye Contact

  • Anxiety: Children with anxiety may avoid eye contact as a way to manage social discomfort or avoid feeling overwhelmed.
  • Autism: Many autistic people may prefer to avoid eye contact. Although this is a common autistic trait, there are autistic people who have no problem with eye contact. It is highly individualized and it is not a problem unless it’s an issue for that individual. 
  • Giftedness: Some gifted children may have a unique communication style that includes less frequent or intense eye contact.
  • Trauma: Traumatic experiences can affect a child’s ability to feel safe and connect with others, which can impact their use of eye contact.

Now that we’ve explored some of the potential causes, let’s consider some practical strategies to support your child.

Pearls of Wisdom for Parents

  • Model appropriate eye contact: Show your child how to use eye contact in a natural and comfortable way during conversations. As shared previously, do not force eye contact. If your child is listening to you, it can be just fine to do so without eye contact. Try fluctuating the conversation where sometimes you are looking directly at your child’s face and sometimes you are glancing to the side to think of what to say. This is completely fine and will model for your child that constant eye contact is not required for conversation.
  • Start with requests: A good place to start working on eye contact is to require eye contact when your child is making a request of you. If you really need your child’s attention or if they really want yours, it is okay to request they make eye contact. You can teach by modeling this skill. If you really want your child to see something, go over, get on their level and look at them in the eyes. If your child looks at you, even momentarily, that’s fine. Be patient and supportive with this skill development. If that is feeling uncomfortable, allow your child to talk to you while looking down or to the side. So long as you have the child’s attention, it can be okay to communicate without regular eye contact.
  • Create a safe and supportive environment: Help your child feel comfortable and secure in social situations. It is totally normal to avoid eye contact when you feel uncomfortable. Do your best to make sure your child feels safe and secure in your home and other social settings.
  • Use playful activities: Engage in games and activities that encourage eye contact in a fun and non-threatening way. Games like charades can be great opportunities to practice these skills.
  • Be patient and understanding: Remember that every child develops at their own pace. Some people are more comfortable with eye contact than others and this is totally okay.

Parenting Pitfalls

  • Forcing eye contact: Avoid pressuring your child to make eye contact if they are uncomfortable. Remember, the non-autistic way or the neurotypical way, is not necessarily the ‘right way.’ Be open to other ways to communicate without eye contact. When you are having a tough conversation with your child, try doing it shoulder-to-shoulder instead of face-to-face.
  • Over-analyzing: Don’t read too much into every instance of avoided eye contact. Your child may simply be engaged elsewhere and the lack of eye contact may mean nothing.
  • Ignoring underlying issues: If your child has social difficulties that are significant or persistent, consider whether there may be underlying anxiety or other factors that need to be addressed.

If you’re concerned about your child’s ability to make eye contact or their overall social development, don’t hesitate to seek professional support.

A child psychologist, therapist, or early intervention specialist can provide guidance, assess your child’s needs, and recommend appropriate interventions.

A Final Word on Eye Contact in Childhood

Remember, eye contact is just one aspect of social communication. There are many other ways to communicate. You can sit side-by-side and have a conversation. Your child may be able to follow directions without looking at you. These behaviors can be perfectly fine.

By focusing on building connection, creating a supportive environment, and celebrating your child’s unique strengths, you can help them develop the social skills they need to thrive. 

Schedule Your Consultation with Dr. Marcy

Take the first step towards understanding and supporting your child’s unique needs. Book an appointment with Dr. Marcy Willard, a leading expert in child psychology, to receive personalized guidance and support tailored to your family’s situation. Let us help you navigate the challenges and celebrate the strengths of your child’s journey.

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Written By Dr. Marcy Willard

About Dr. Marcy Willard

Dr. Marcy Willard is a renowned child psychologist with a passion for helping children and families thrive. With a background as the former CEO of Clear Child Psychology, she has touched the lives of over a million families. Dr. Willard’s expertise spans a wide range of areas, including autism, ADHD, and learning issues. She is also a published author and a nationally recognized speaker and trainer.

In her practice, Dr. Willard focuses on providing a warm, authentic, and non-judgmental environment where families can find the support they need. Her approach is tailored to meet the unique needs of each child, ensuring that every family receives personalized care and attention.

Learn more about Dr. Willard’s journey and how she can help your family by visiting our About page.