What to do when kids are not listening

As a parent, you may find that your child is not following your instructions. You may find yourself saying, “If I’ve asked you once, I’ve asked you a thousand times.”

You may ask your child to go upstairs, get dressed, and grab their shoes. You go up to your child’s room and he is playing with a yo-yo in his underwear, no shoes in sight.

Children are not naturally motivated and enthusiastic about daily chores and this may lead to testing boundaries and defying requests. Non-compliance, or not following the rules, is a common challenge for parents and caregivers. While it can be frustrating, it’s important to approach it with understanding and a focus on positive guidance.

This article offers a closer look at non-compliance in childhood. We’ll explore what it means to be non-compliant, discuss the potential reasons behind it, and provide practical strategies to help your child learn to cooperate and follow rules.

What is non-compliance in childhood?

Non-compliance in childhood is when a child refuses or fails to follow instructions or rules. This can show up in various ways, such as:

• Outright refusals: Saying “no” or refusing to do what is asked.
• Ignoring instructions: Pretending not to hear or deliberately not following directions.
• Making excuses: Coming up with reasons why they can’t or shouldn’t do something.
• Incomplete tasks: Starting a task but not finishing it.
• Tuning out: Not paying attention when given instructions.

It’s important to remember that non-compliance is often a normal part of child development, especially as children assert their independence and explore boundaries.

Potential causes for non-compliance in childhood

• Developmental stage: Young children, particularly toddlers and preschoolers, are naturally exploring their autonomy and learning to express their will
• Giftedness: Gifted children may question rules or resist authority if they don’t understand the reasoning behind them
• Comprehension: Sometimes, children simply don’t understand what is being asked of them.
• Attention challenges: Children with attention difficulties may struggle to focus on instructions or remember what they are supposed to do
• Rigidity and anxiety: Children who are anxious or have difficulty with transitions may be more resistant to change and less likely to comply with requests that disrupt their routines

Now that we’ve explored some of the potential causes, let’s dive into some practical strategies to support your child.

Pitfalls & Pearls of Parenting: How to teach your child to comply with instructions

Now let’s learn some common mistakes parents often make. Here are some tried and true strategies to make things go better in your home.

Parenting Pitfalls

• Overreacting: Responding to non-compliance with anger or frustration is natural sometimes. Every parent gets frustrated sometimes. Be aware that your emotional reaction can either improve or escalate the situation. Choose your reaction carefully
• Nagging or repeating instructions: This can create a power struggle and make your child less likely to listen. If you feel like a broken record, take a moment to get very clear on what you want your child to do and the consequences for either doing it or not doing it.
• Inconsistent expectations: Having inconsistent rules can confuse your child and make it harder to get compliance. Take a moment with your partner to make a list of rules for your household. Keep it nice and short. Post it in your home. If you aren’t clear on the rules, do not expect your child to be
• Missing underlying issues: If non-compliance is frequent or severe, consider whether there may be underlying attention, anxiety, or other factors contributing to the behavior. Sometimes a behavior that looks like defiance, may be communication from your child that they need your help. Listen first
• Avoid making threats, flip the script: If you are like most other parents, you probably find yourself saying things like, “If you don’t do your homework, you can’t get your iPad.” It seems to make sense and its very likely the way you were parented. Unfortunately, this is a subtle threat and it is generally ineffective. To make this work better, you want to flip this script. Instead of saying IF YOU DON’T, THEN YOU WON’T…

  “WHEN YOU DO X, THEN YOU CAN HAVE Y.”

  For example:

  “When you eat one more bite of broccoli, you can have your dessert.”

  “When you finish cleaning your room, you can go out and play.”

  “Once you clear your dinner plate from the table, you can have your iPad.”

  This simple change implies that you do expect your child to follow your instructions and that there is something in it for them.

Pearls of Wisdom for Parents

• Keep it positive: Focus on building a positive and supportive relationship with your child. Whenever possible, practice this ratio. The ‘magic 5:1 ratio’ has been proven out in behavioral science. That is, offer 5 positive comments to every 1 correction. This will support your child’s self-esteem and gain more compliance with requests over time
• Give clear and simple instructions: Break down tasks into manageable steps and ensure your child understands what is expected
• Reward positive behavior: Offer praise, encouragement, and small rewards for cooperation and compliance
• Stay calm and consistent: Avoid power struggles and maintain consistent boundaries and expectations
• Enjoy your child daily: No matter what happens, always have some fun, relaxed, noncritical time together each day, even if this time is just 10 minutes to read a bookIf you’re concerned about your child’s non-compliance or their overall behavior, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. A child psychologist or therapist can provide guidance, assess your child’s needs, and recommend appropriate interventions.

Conscious parenting

Parenting is tough. I don’t think anyone will argue that point. What makes it even harder is that we come into parenting with our own baggage. We want to make sure your child’s behaviors aren’t an artifact of your own parenting style. A new understanding of parenting has emerged in the work by psychologist and parenting expert Dr. Shefali Tsabary. 

In her hallmark book, ‘The Awakened Family,’ she writes, “We all have the capacity to raise children who are highly resilient and emotionally connected. However, many of us are unable to because we are blinded by modern misconceptions of parenting and our own inner limitations.” [1]

Dr. Tsabary reminds us that we parents come into this parenting role with our own baggage. We have ‘left-overs’ from our own childhood experiences. There is no perfect parent. So, it stands to reason that some of your child’s actions are stemming from your own challenges. As a parent, you are in your own phase of growth as a person. 

She asks parents to think about how much of the time they spend in conscious, connected moments with their children. Her books remind us that after our children grow up, the only thing that the parent and child have left  is the relationship. These books give parents an important reminder. Your fears and insecurities can be coming from your own fears, rather than a fair and logical place.

For example, a parent who never did sports as a child demands that their child not quit soccer. Or, the parent insists the child get straight A’s due to their own fear that the child will ‘never succeed in life’ if they don’t start now. Remember, your 7th grader will not be going off to college any time soon. Be patient and supportive. Be the parent you wish you had.

When to seek help

Listed here are some common reasons why your child may be misbehaving. Some of these are cause for concern and some of these are normal developmental stages. Although your child may grow out of some of these issues, it is still important that you are reading this and thinking about your child’s needs. If your child needs help, this is the best time to do it. Here’s a guide to figuring out whether it is time to get clinical support for your family. 

Normal developmental struggles

Through the course of development, typical kids will have times where they are just plain difficult. They huff and puff around the house, refusing to help. They throw tantrums at the smallest request. These moments are generally not a time to worry. 

You will want to stay calm, consistent, and supportive while maintaining the rules and boundaries. Although every child is different (and children who are Gifted or have ADHD can be especially challenging in this regard), generally these lapses in good behavior are temporary and survivable. Stay positive and watch closely for the behaviors to improve as your child matures.

Persistent irritability or angry outbursts

If your child’s behavior is continuously leaning toward the negative, it may be time to get help. You will want to watch your child. See if their ‘bad attitude’ goes away after a while or if it continues to persist. 

Sometimes these behaviors are a sign that your child is in emotional distress. Check to see whether there is a peer issue at school or a recent event that has caused this behavior pattern. If your child is constantly irritable, it will be important to seek the help of a therapist or counselor. There may be issues like ‘cognitive distortions’ (seeing everything in black and white, taking everything personally, or assuming the worst in people). Most therapists can help your child develop a healthier perspective.

Unsafe behaviors

If you are concerned about extreme, dangerous, or aggressive behaviors, it is time to get help. It is not typical for even a kindergarten-aged child to be aggressive to peers or parents. Occasional sibling rivalry, yes. But, lots of aggression in your school-age child or teenager is cause for concern. 

You can consult with an Applied Behavior Analyst (ABA) or licensed therapist for support. Sometimes, a simple behavior plan can be implemented at home. Other times, you and your child will need to learn the principles of behavior modification to bring peace to your household.

Conscious parenting: patience, clarity, and consistency

Remember, parenting is a journey, and every child is unique. We want to help our children develop the capacity for aliveness and authenticity. We want them to learn how to connect with others and trust in nurturing those important relationships. By approaching non-compliance with understanding, patience, and positive guidance, you can help your kids learn to develop into the most alive, authentic, and self-actualized version of themselves.

Book resources for non-compliance

Barkley, Russell A. (2013). Taking charge of ADHD, 3rd edition: The complete, authoritative guide for parents.

Durand, V. Mark & Hieneman, Meme (2008). Helping Parents with Challenging Children Positive Family Intervention Facilitator Guide (Programs That Work).

Greene, Ross W. (2001). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children

Shefali Tsabary Ph.D (2016) The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting. 

Purvis, Karyn B., & Cross, David R., & Sunshine, Wendy Lyons (2007). The connected child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family.

Seigel, Daniel J. & Bryson, Tina Payne (2014). No drama-discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind.

Shefali Tsbary Ph.D. (2010) The Conscious Parent. Transforming ourselves, Empowering Our Children.