The Power of Practicing the Pause

Feeling upset with your child? Feeling like you are nagging your kid and then getting mad when they don’t comply?

As parents, it is normal to get frustrated when your child will not do what you ask. This tug- of-war is a common problem. You ask, they ignore you. You ask, they yell and scream. You ask, they refuse, and you yell back.

Tired of this? To make a change in the dynamics, you have the power to make a real difference, but you must do something first. 

You need to pause.

When you take a moment to pause, you have the opportunity to get out of your habitual patterns.

Three Ways We React As Parents

In psychology, we say you have 3 ways you might react.

The Wounded Child

The wounded child tends to freeze, hide, or collapse. This part says to yourself, “I am bad.” “I am helpless.”  “I am all alone.” This part is mostly unconscious; however, you will know you are doing this because you retreat from the interaction, feeling absolutely helpless and horrible about yourself. 

The Adapted Child

The adapted child tends to react quickly to protect oneself. You may build a wall around yourself, yell, storm off, or defend your actions. This part says,  “You are so rude!” “You have no respect!” “You always treat me this way!” “I am done! I can’t do this anymore!” “Get away from me!” This version of you is the version that helped you in childhood, but it does nothing for you now. This part of you is somewhat unconscious, too, but you will know you are doing it when you suddenly fly off the handle or storm off in a huff. 

The Wise Adult

The wise adult can pause and reflect, acting with responsibility, love, nurturing, consistency, and honesty. This wise adult is not trying to control the outcome but is invested in bettering this moment.

To be the wise adult in these interactions, you want to practice the PAUSE to allow your better self to take the wheel and those less mature parts of you to get into the backseat. This is hard to do. But fortunately, good parents only get this right about 30% of the time. So, you are already ahead!

How to Practice the Pause

Here’s how to do it. 

Let’s imagine you asked your child to do something and they didn’t do it and now the temperature in the room is hot! You and your child are right at your boiling point. This is the time to press the PAUSE button. 

P – Pause to ponder

Take a minute, take a breath, take a walk, take a shower. Your own reactive tendencies cannot take a break until you do.

This pause is a superpower.

Then, ponder these questions.

• Why am I talking? Ask yourself the goal of this conversation.
• Who am I talking to? Remind yourself this is your child who you love and are trying to help.
• What am I trying to teach? The root word of discipline is to teach. What message do I want my child to understand? Better yet, get that message down to one to three short sentences. Your message should communicate both LOVE & GUIDANCE. But don’t say it yet. Your break is not over. 

A – Allow for your feelings

It’s okay that you are upset and that your kiddo is too. Allow the feelings without trying to fix them or explain them. Ask yourself, “Why is this hard for me?” What do I feel?

Usually, for parents, the biggest feeling under it all is WORRY. You worry that you are doing it wrong or that you did it wrong before. You worry that your child is not being raised to be a nice person. You worry that they have no work ethic. You worry they will never get a job or have a roommate if they are so messy and unorganized.

That’s okay. Just notice. Say to yourself, I am worried that ____. Then, remind yourself that parents worry; that’s normal, and yet it’s not going to help me here. Remind yourself that you want to communicate with LOVE and GUIDANCE.

U – Understand your child’s point of view

Now you are ready to talk to your child. And the most important part comes first. Listen first! If you do nothing more than just understand them, you have done a good job. Just get it. Ask yourself, “Why is this so hard for my child?”

Now, here’s an important part: do not jump over to their point of view. Do not blend with the child’s beliefs. Stay in your adult brain with authority and willingness to understand their perspective. 

S – Say it

Now you are ready to share your message. You want to communicate it not out of worry or fear, but from a place of LOVE and GUIDANCE. Say what you want your child to do and why. Keep it very brief and clear. “I need you to do this because of that. I know you can do it.” 

Now, I know. 

They might not like what you have to say. It may seem like they don’t care about your point of view. They probably do! Remember, though, they are not hearing what you actually mean. They are hearing a childish interpretation of it.

Some examples of what you might say and what your child might hear

• Parent says: “I wish you had cleaned up your room.” Child hears: “You are messy and irresponsible.”
• Parent says: “I am so frustrated with you right now.” Child hears: “I don’t like you. You are too much for me.”
• Parent says: “You need to do your homework. I already asked you to do it. If you had just started, you would be done by now.” Child hears: “School is more important to you than how I feel. You need me to perform to be proud of me.”
• Parent says: “You need to be nice to your sister.” Child hears: “You are mean.” “You have anger problems.”
• Parent says: “You did something bad.” Child hears: “You are bad.” 

Okay, so how do you do this, then? 

Are you allowed to offer any feedback or corrections? YES! You are the Wise Adult. They do need you to guide them. And there is no perfect way to keep them from internalizing all these negative messages. Kids do that. It’s their nature to take on any feedback as a statement of who they are.

Your job is to provide your feedback with love and guidance. Your job is not for them to take this well or enjoy what you have to say.

What to say instead and why it helps 

“We need you to clean up your room. We know you can do it, and if you would like help, we are here to help you.” If needed, you can tie it back to how a household is a community where “this stuff just has to get done.”

“I felt frustrated by what you said. I took a break, and I am alright now. It is not okay to talk to mom that way. I am here to help. Tell me what you need with kind words.” This one is a way to repair damage from a tough interaction. Model for them how to come back and ask for what you need without blaming or shaming.

“It’s time to do homework. I know it is hard, Buddy, and I am here for you. I know you can do it. Let’s get started together.” This one is important because if your child is stalling, they may not feel completely capable of the task or like they can get started on their own. Your own little ‘jump start’ can be a big help here.

“You need to talk kindly to your sister. You are a kind kid. Let’s practice that together.” If needed, tie this back to how, as a family unit, we are all happier together when we are kind to each other. This is a family value.

“You made a mistake. We all do. What do you think you can do now to make it better?” This one is for a situation where the child has broken something or hurt someone, and you are looking for some repair. You can provide ideas if the child is not ready to own the mistake or is not able to come up with any solutions. This is hard for kids, and they might not be mature enough yet. Give your child some grace with this step.

E – Exhale, exit, and end this on a high note

This is an important last step. These repair conversations are short and simple. If you are still talking after that, you are making it worse.

Model for your child a nice, deep breath in and out. Then, exit this conversation and take the child with you if you can. It is time to change the scenery. If you are outside, go inside. If you are upstairs, go downstairs. If you are in the kitchen, go to the living room. 

Once the PAUSE is complete

Now, and only now, can you get on with the task at hand. 

Now, with your guidance, your child can do what you asked. Help them get started, and do not expect this task to go on forever. Once it’s done, offer hugs and high fives if they are open to that kind of thing.

Maintain the CONNECTION, NOT THE CONVERSATION.  

And what if that doesn’t work? It’s okay! You did your part. You did your best to offer love and guidance.

Your child may not take you up on it, right in that moment. You will not often see instant improvement in your child’s behavior.

Play the long game here. Every time you show up with love and guidance, you are modeling healthy relationships and communication. So, your job is only to DO YOUR BEST, leave the rest.