Your Self And Your Grouchy Parts

Ever feel like different parts of you are pulling in different directions? You are not alone! Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a fascinating way to understand your inner world, seeing your mind as a community of parts each with good intentions. This article explores how IFS helps you connect with your core Self, a place of wisdom and calm, to heal past wounds, resolve internal conflicts, and live a more integrated, fulfilling life, much like the effortless harmony found in nature. Discover how this powerful approach can transform your relationship with yourself and bring greater peace to your daily life, without resistance.

by | Sep 20, 2025 | Mental Health

Leaf of tree with quote by Dr. Willard

How Is IFS Therapy Like A Tree?

Ever feel like you’re not entirely in control of your own reactions? Like different “parts” of you are pulling in different directions? This is what humans do! However, in nature, the parts have no trouble getting along. It is natural to have parts but it becomes problematic when we do not accept these parts. But there is good news! You can learn how to accept your parts and be a happier person as a result!

Just as in nature, where individual elements effortlessly contribute to a harmonious whole, our internal world can also achieve this same sense of ease and integration. Parts work helps us learn to do just that, without resistance.

In this article, we will go on a unique journey. Last weekend I had the opportunity to not only learn about a modern approach to therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) but also to travel to the world’s biggest living organism, the Pando Aspen Tree. While I was there, I was struck by the way one tree can have so many individual trunks, without any struggle at all. The trees do not strain to grow. They are in no rush to get anywhere. Every time the breeze rustles through the trees, we are reminded that nature is totally accepting of the ebb and flow of life. 

The Pando Aspen Tree does not resist what is happening naturally. For example, as I walked along, I found this golden leaf on the ground. It is not quite fall yet, but the tree has already started shedding some parts from the past.

Be Like A Tree

The leaf of that tree was totally useful to the tree at one point but now the leaf is no longer needed. What is so poetic about this as I had just dove deeply into parts work at the conference, is that we are doing the very same thing in this form of therapy.

We learn to accept the parts of ourselves that showed up and were helpful in an earlier time in life. Now, as we age and mature, those parts do not need to work so hard anymore. Over time, and with full efforts to integrate, we can let go of these old coping mechanisms and set ourselves free to be our most whole, calm, and open version of ourselves, just as nature effortlessly sheds what is no longer needed for the greater good of the whole.

Internal Family Systems (Frank Anderson’s Version)

Just before visiting the tree, I had the opportunity to go to an intensive workshop with Dr. Frank Anderson, who is a pioneer in an updated, integrated model of Internal Family Systems (IFS). In the fascinating world of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we explore the idea that our minds are naturally made up of various “parts,” each with its own unique role and intentions. Think of it like having an internal family, or perhaps a committee, constantly working behind the scenes, much like the individual trunks of the Pando Aspen Tree contribute to the health of the entire organism.

What Are These Parts?

Imagine your mind isn’t just one singular entity, but a bustling community. In IFS, these “parts” aren’t a sign of mental illness; they’re a normal, healthy aspect of the human psyche. They develop throughout our lives, often in response to our experiences, especially challenging ones. Just as a tree adapts to its environment, our parts adapt to protect us.

  • Protectors: These parts are like your personal security detail. Their main job is to keep you safe from pain, both physical and emotional. They can be:
    • Preventative Parts (Managers): These are the planners, the worriers, the people-pleasers. They try to control situations and your behavior to avoid potential hurt. They might make you obsess over details, strive for perfection, or always put others’ needs before your own. While their intentions are good, they can get exhausted trying to manage everything.
    • Reactive or Extreme Parts (Firefighters): These parts jump into action when a “wound” is activated, and their sole mission is to stop the pain immediately. This can lead to extreme behaviors like raging, substance use, binge eating, or dissociating. They don’t care about long-term consequences; they just want the pain to stop now.
  • Wounded Parts (Exiles): These are the younger, more vulnerable parts of us that carry the hurt, shame, and pain from past traumas. They often hold distorted beliefs like “I am bad” or “I am unloved.” Our protector parts work tirelessly to keep these exiles hidden away, fearing that if their pain surfaces, it will overwhelm us.

The Conductor of the Orchestra: Your “Self”

Beyond these parts, IFS therapy posits that every person has a core of wisdom, compassion, and calm known as the “Self.” Think of the Self as the wise, benevolent leader of your internal family, orchestrating the parts into a harmonious whole, just as nature effortlessly integrates its diverse elements. It’s a place of inherent healing, curiosity, confidence, and connection. When we are “Self-led,” we can approach our parts with understanding and kindness, rather than judgment or fear, allowing for a natural, unresisted integration.

Trauma And Parts: A Deep Connection

Trauma, whether it’s a single overwhelming event or ongoing difficult experiences, profoundly impacts our internal system. When we experience trauma, our parts step up to protect us, often taking on extreme roles. The Self, our core of healing, can become obscured, making it harder to access its natural wisdom and compassion, and disrupting the effortless flow of our internal system.

For example, if a child experiences neglect, a “thinking part” might develop to constantly figure things out, believing it has to manage everything to survive. This part becomes an “unsung hero,” working tirelessly but also preventing the individual from truly relaxing and trusting others, creating resistance within the system.

Why IFS Therapy Can Be A Game Changer

IFS therapy isn’t about getting rid of “bad” parts. In fact, there are no “bad” parts! Every part has a positive intention, even if its actions are causing problems. The goal is to help these parts release the burdens they carry and return to their naturally valuable roles, allowing the internal system to function with the same effortless integration seen in nature.

Here’s why IFS can be a powerful approach:

  • Understanding and Compassion: Instead of fighting against unwanted feelings or behaviors, IFS helps you approach them with curiosity and compassion. You learn to understand why a part is acting the way it is, what it’s trying to protect you from, and what it fears, fostering a non-resistant understanding.
  • Healing Wounds: By building a trusting relationship with your protector parts, an IFS therapist can help you gain permission to access and heal your wounded parts. This process, often described as “unburdening,” allows the pain and distorted beliefs to be released, rewiring neural networks in the brain for lasting change, and promoting effortless healing.
  • Accessing Your Core Self: As parts release their burdens, your innate Self-energy becomes more accessible. This allows you to respond to life’s challenges from a place of calm, clarity, and compassion, rather than being driven by reactive or fear-based parts, enabling a natural, unresisted flow.
  • Addressing Complex Trauma: Some researchers believe that Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder or Split Personality Disorder, is linked to a severe lack of integration among these internal parts. IFS therapy, with its focus on understanding and harmonizing these different parts, can be a beneficial treatment for dissociative disorders and other complex trauma presentations, helping to restore the natural part-to-whole relationship.
  • Fostering Overall Well-being: Even if you don’t have a history of significant trauma, IFS can be incredibly valuable for general personal growth. It helps you understand your inner world, resolve internal conflicts, and cultivate a more harmonious relationship with all aspects of yourself. This leads to greater self-trust, emotional regulation, and a deeper sense of peace and happiness in your daily life, much like the effortless balance found in nature.
  • Integrating Other Models: IFS can be integrated with other therapeutic models to address various symptoms based on the pioneering work of Dr. Frank Anderson. For example, EMDR, CBT, and DBT can help with distorted thoughts; EFIT and TRIST for overwhelming feelings; Somatic Experiencing (SE) and Sensorimotor Processing (SP) for physical sensations; AEDP and Attachment-Centered Therapies for repairing relationships; and Polyvagal Theory (PVT), Memory Reconsolidation, and medication for nervous system dysregulation. The key is to get permission from all parts before using any intervention, ensuring a collaborative and unresisted approach.

The Journey Inward

IFS therapy is a journey of self-discovery, where you learn to listen to your internal system, appreciate the roles your parts play, and ultimately, allow your wise and compassionate Self to lead. It’s about repairing the relationship within yourself, so you can live a more integrated, fulfilling life, where the part-to-whole relationships within you occur effortlessly, just as they do in nature.

If you’ve ever felt like there’s more to you than meets the eye, or that different aspects of your personality are at odds, exploring IFS therapy might just be the most profound step you take. You can understand and heal your own amazing brain, while embracing a life of unresisted harmony.

References 

  • Anderson, F., MD. (2025, September 11-12). Transcending Trauma [Presentation]. Suncrest Counseling, Sandy, Utah.
  • Anderson, F., MD. (2025, May 16). Integrating IFS With Other Models of Therapy [Conference presentation]. 36th Annual Trauma Research Foundation Conference.

Schedule Your Consultation with Dr. Marcy

Take the first step towards understanding and supporting your child’s unique needs. Book an appointment with Dr. Marcy Willard, a leading expert in child psychology, to receive personalized guidance and support tailored to your family’s situation. Let us help you navigate the challenges and celebrate the strengths of your child’s journey.

Related Posts

How Are You Really?

How Are You Really?

How Are You Really? Not so good? And how is your dog? Doing great?! Why is that exactly? This article is an invitation to explore your inner world and discover the path to lasting contentment. Drawing on insights from psychology, we will discover what truly happens within you, helping you move beyond the surface and cultivate a resilient spirit that naturally finds joy, much like your happily wagging dog, no matter what life brings.

read more
Are you in there?

Are you in there?

Still rehashing old problems? Modern psychology reveals a critical truth: every time you retell a dramatic story, you deepen its hold. Healing isn’t found in mere catharsis; it’s in the mastering of your attention. This article unpacks why it’s your ‘problem with the problem’ – not the problem itself – that dictates your mental state. Discover the power of your conscious attention to cultivate true inner peace and lasting resilience, shifting beyond endless talk to a sustainable state of resilience and well-being.

read more
Feel The Feels

Feel The Feels

Ever wondered why you feel the way you do, or why certain emotions seem to take over? Discover that prolonged suffering is optional and learn practical steps to navigate your feelings, transforming them from obstacles into powerful tools for a life of freedom, peace, and courage. Join Dr. Marcy Willard, a seasoned psychologist with two decades of experience, as she guides you on an insightful journey into how your brain truly works.

read more

Written By Dr. Marcy Willard

About Dr. Marcy Willard

Dr. Marcy Willard is a renowned child psychologist with a passion for helping children and families thrive. With a background as the former CEO of Clear Child Psychology, she has touched the lives of over a million families. Dr. Willard’s expertise spans a wide range of areas, including autism, ADHD, and learning issues. She is also a published author and a nationally recognized speaker and trainer.

In her practice, Dr. Willard focuses on providing a warm, authentic, and non-judgmental environment where families can find the support they need. Her approach is tailored to meet the unique needs of each child, ensuring that every family receives personalized care and attention.

Learn more about Dr. Willard’s journey and how she can help your family by visiting our About page.