What is Following Directions in Childhood?
Following directions in childhood is the ability to understand and complete tasks assigned by an adult.
It’s a complex skill involving understanding, listening, paying attention, remembering, knowing how to do the task, and being willing to do it.
As a psychologist, I have seen this time and time again. The parents are getting frustrated that the child isn’t following directions and quickly jump to the conclusion that the child is being defiant. However, the issue often has more to do with a skill deficit. The missing skill may be on the part of the parent or the child.
Giving directions to your kids can be a challenge
Often, it can be challenging for parents to deliver instructions. You may provide them in a fuzzy or unclear fashion. It also may be that you are not truly focused on delivering your instructions.
Life gets busy, and you may find yourself shouting from the kitchen that your child needs to clean his room before coming downstairs. You may not be in a position to wait patiently for your child to comply. You might be talking on the phone when you ask your child to clean up their toys before dinner.
It is important to stop and ask yourself, “Did my child hear me?” Did my child understand my instructions?” “Does my child know when this needs to be done?” If you are unclear, do not expect compliance.
Alternatively, the issue could lie with your child’s ability to follow directions. Several factors can contribute to this; let’s explore six common reasons why your child might struggle to follow instructions.
Skills Kids Need to Follow Directions
- Understand the directions: Children need to comprehend the words and their meanings.
- Listen to the directions: They need to use active listening when instructions are given.
- Pay attention to the directions: They need to focus and avoid distractions.
- Remember the directions: They need to retain the information long enough to act on it.
- Know how to do the task: They need the necessary skills to complete the task.
- Be willing to follow the directions: They need to be cooperative and motivated.
If your child is struggling with any of these six skills, it is unlikely they will follow your directions.
What to Do About Your Child Not Following Directions
Instead of jumping to consequences or punishments, take a minute to notice what skill is missing here. Once you know where the issue is, here’s a guide to teach your child to follow your instructions.
#1 Your child does not understand. If your child needs help understanding the directions, show and model tasks step-by-step. For example, instead of saying “Clean your room,” you would say, “First, we want to get all the clothes off the floor and put them in the hamper. Next, we will put away your clean clothes in the dresser.”
# 2 Your child is not listening. If your child wasn’t listening to you, go over to your child and get onto their level. Kneel and make eye contact. Be very clear with your instructions. Check for understanding. Offer immediate praise when your child is listening. You can say, “Good job. Now you’ve got it. You know what to do.”
#3 Your child is not paying attention. If your child isn’t paying attention, make sure to remove distractions in the environment. If the room is loud, turn off the TV or close the door to block out other voices or a barking dog. Ensure your child looks at you as you deliver your instructions slowly and clearly.
#4 Your child is not remembering the directions. If your child has memory issues, be consistent with routines and break tasks into smaller steps. Deliver one instruction at a time and reward each step. If you want your child to go to his room, get his hoodie and backpack, and put his shoes on for school, deliver one step at a time. First, a hoodie…then backpack…then shoes. Then, you can say, “Nice job! You did everything I asked!”
#5 Your child doesn’t know how to do the task. If your child doesn’t know how to do the task, do not expect it to get done without your help. Clearly show your child each step and make sure that each gets done before delivering the next instruction. Partner with your child and praise their progress. You can say, “When we are clearing the table, the glasses go here, the plates go here, and then we wipe the table down with this cloth.” Do not assume your child can do every step until you are sure you have been clear about each part.
#6 Your child doesn’t want to do it. If your child doesn’t want to do what you are asking, take a moment to understand why this may happen. If you ask the child to stop doing something fun and transition to something mundane, think about ways to ease the transition. To be clear, everyone must learn how to do things they don’t want to do. You can take steps to make this situation feel less of a war zone and more of a fluid process.
Downshifting
When kids really don’t want to do something, you might lose your patience. This situation can be frustrating. As I’m sure you have noticed, getting upset or yelling only makes it worse. One way to make this go better is to ‘downshift.’
A downshift is a positive and gradual transition from something fun to something less fun. Think about ways to coach your child through the task.
For example, you may want your child to get off of screens and get ready for bed. That can feel like an abrupt transition. A downshift might include a few minutes to transition off the screen, followed by storytime with Mom. Then, the child is expected to get in pajamas and start the bedtime routine.
The child is still required to complete the tasks, but you are ‘downshifting’ more smoothly from one preferred activity to another less preferred task.
Pitfalls & Pearls of Parenting: How to teach your child to follow directions
Now let’s learn some common mistakes parents often make. Here are some tried and true strategies to make things go better in your home.
Parenting Pitfalls
- Giving too many instructions at once: Overloading a child with information can lead to confusion and frustration.
- Assuming non-compliance: Jumping to conclusions about a child’s willingness without considering other factors can damage the relationship.
- Not providing clear expectations: Vague instructions can leave children unsure of what to do.
- Inconsistency: Not following through with consequences or rewards can undermine a child’s motivation.
Pearls of Wisdom for Parents
- Break down complex tasks: Provide step-by-step guidance for new or challenging activities.
- Use visual aids: Visual schedules and charts can support understanding and memory.
- Offer positive reinforcement: Praise and rewards can encourage cooperation and build confidence.
- Be patient and understanding: Remember that following directions is a skill that develops over time.
- Seek professional help if needed: If concerns persist, consult a therapist or specialist.
Following Directions Formula
When you are providing instructions to your child, especially if your child has any type of neurodiversity or unique needs, you want to follow this formula. It is mission-critical to give your instructions one step at a time.
Giving more than one direction at a time is the biggest issue I have seen that trips parents up when their children are not following directions. You get upset before you really give them the opportunity to do what you asked. Here’s your formula to be more effective.
- Give the first direction: Give one clear step and stop talking after your instruction is clear.
- Wait: Allow a brief pause for the child to process and begin. Research suggests a full seven-second pause. This pause gives your child enough time to process your directions.
- Check: Observe if the task is completed. Parents often get distracted and forget to ensure that the direction was followed. You really want to tune in, pay attention, and check whether your child did what you asked.
- Praise or remind: Offer praise for success, gentle reminders, and assistance if needed.
- Give the next direction: Give the next clear instruction.
In this way, you are truly teaching your child. Remember the root word of discipline is to teach.
The two biggest mistakes parents make are these:
- You give in to your child and don’t follow through
- You get mad and yell because the child didn’t comply
Both of these are important. Do not give in to your upset child. Do ensure that the task gets done. However, yelling and becoming just as rigid as your child will make things worse. Do your best to calmly deliver your instructions and follow through with what you say.
Provide some autonomy
When kids really refuse instructions, they may be seeking more autonomy and choice. Again, that doesn’t mean that you should give in to your child. However, you can offer some autonomy to make things go better. Can you provide more choices about how to do the task, where to do the task, or when to do it?
All of us have tasks we don’t want to do. This reaction is normal. You are not going to get your kid to comply every time. There will be times when you have to practice a great deal of patience and flexibility to teach your child at a sustainable and developmentally appropriate pace.
Your job is to be clear and consistent and follow through with what you say.
It is okay if you and your child have an off day. Move on and let it go. As a parent, try your best to be consistent and to keep it positive. Offer your help, use rewards, and clearly define expectations. With these supports in place, you are much more likely to get compliance from your child.
On top of these techniques, parents need to understand what is developmentally appropriate. Asking a toddler to clean his whole room is likely to be a disaster. The younger your child is, the more support they will need to complete tasks.
Especially with multi-step instructions, kids need a lot of support to complete seemingly simple tasks. Check the guide below to get a sense of the skills expected of kids at different ages.
Developmental Milestones: Is Your Child on Track?
- 1 year old: Responds to simple gestures and “no.”
- 1.5 years old: Follows single-step instructions (e.g., “Give me the ball”).
- 2 years old: Follows related two-step instructions (e.g., “Close the book and put it on the shelf”).
- 3.5 years old: Follows two-three step unrelated commands.
- 4 years old: Follows three unrelated instructions and completes multi-step tasks.
- 5 years old+: Follows multiple-step directions and demonstrates increasing independence.
These milestones provide a general guideline for what to expect at different ages. Remember that every child develops at their own pace; some may reach these milestones earlier or later than others. Use these as a reference point to gauge your child’s progress and identify any areas where they might need additional support.
Growing Together: Patience, Clarity, and Consistency
Remember, it’s perfectly normal for kids to test boundaries and not always follow directions. It’s part of their journey towards independence. As a parent, your role is to provide a safe and supportive environment where they can learn and grow.
Be patient, clear in your expectations, and consistent in your follow-through. Celebrate their successes, offer gentle guidance when needed, and remember that with time and practice, they’ll get there!
Book Resources for Following Directions
- Barkley, Russell A. (2013) Taking Charge of ADHD, Third Edition: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents.
- Binkow, Howard (2008) Howard B. wigglebottom learns to listen.
- Cook, Julia (2012) Teamwork isn’t my thing, and I don’t like to share.
- Cook, Julia (2011) The worst day of my life ever!: My story about listening and following instructions.
- Dawson and Guare (2009). Smart but Scattered
- Ludwig, Trudy and Barton Patrice (2018) Quiet Please, Owen McPhee!
- Meiners, Cheri J (2005) Know and follow rules
- Meiners, Cheri J (2003) Listen and learn
- Purvis, Karyn B., & Cross, David R., & Sunshine, Wendy Lyons (2007). The connected child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family.
- Seigel, Daniel J. & Bryson, Tina Payne (2014). No drama-discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind.
- Speech and Language Milestones: https://www.asha.org/public/speech/development/chart.htm
