Navigating Rigidity in Childhood: When “My Way or the Highway” Takes Over
Is your child a bit rigid? Do they have a hard time with change? Do they meltdown when things don’t go as expected?
What is Rigid Behavior in Childhood?
Rigid behavior in childhood is the tendency to be inflexible, stubborn, and reluctant to adapt to the thoughts and ideas of others.
This article offers a compassionate and insightful look at rigid behavior in children. We’ll explore what rigidity looks like, delve into the potential causes, and provide practical strategies to help your child navigate their world with greater flexibility and ease.
Signs Your Child May Be Struggling with Rigidity
- Controlling behavior: Your child may insist on having things done a certain way and have difficulty accepting alternatives.
- Resistance to authority: They may argue, refuse to follow directions, or have a “no tell me” attitude towards adults.
- Inflexibility: Any changes to routines or plans can trigger meltdowns or tantrums.
- Difficulty with transitions: Moving from one activity to another can be a major struggle.
- Social challenges: Your child may prefer to play alone or have difficulty interacting with peers who don’t follow their rules.
Understanding the reasons behind rigid behavior is an important step in providing effective support. Let’s explore some of the common causes.
Why Some Children Are More Rigid
- Goodness of fit: Sometimes, a mismatch between a child’s temperament and their parent’s parenting style can contribute to rigidity. Children who crave structure and predictability may struggle in a more spontaneous environment.
- Need for structure: Some children thrive on routines and schedules. Providing clear expectations and predictable routines can help them feel safe and secure.
- Giftedness: Gifted children often have intense interests and may be more sensitive to changes or disruptions that interfere with their pursuits.
- Anxiety: Children with anxiety may use rigidity as a way to control their environment and reduce uncertainty.
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Rigid thinking patterns and repetitive behaviors are common in OCD.
- Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and ADHD: Children with ASD or ADHD often have difficulty with flexibility and transitions.
Strategies to Help Your Child Become More Adaptable
Now that we have a better understanding of the potential causes of rigidity, let’s explore some strategies to help your child become more adaptable.
Basket case technique
Ross Greene offers an excellent resource for learning to ‘pick your battles’ in the Explosive Child [1]. He teaches you how to be a ‘basket case,’ which means you put your priorities into three baskets.
Basket A is a small basket for non-negotiables.
Basket B is for important issues that you would be willing to negotiate with your child or teen. In this case, you would be modeling, for your child, a rational and calm decision-making approach that results in a win-win solution.
Basket C is the ‘forget-about-it’ basket.
This approach is referred to as downshifting. As the parent, you demonstrate for your child how to calm down and think rationally about what to do.
A great children’s book that demonstrates the power of downshifting is offered in Llama Llama, Mad at Mama. [2] The mother in the story shows how a parent can meet a child’s needs while also holding the child accountable for improved behavior.
The little llama is out shopping, quite unwillingly, with his mother at the ‘shoparama.’ The little llama proceeds to throw a fit, hurling all of the groceries around the store and making a huge mess.
The mother llama takes the time to understand how her little llama feels. She demonstrates flexible thinking. She shows empathy and then expects the child to clean up his mess and help her finish the shopping. After the mess is cleaned up and the items are purchased, she takes him out for ice cream as she promised.
This story is an excellent example of using supportive strategies to increase your child’s flexibility and behavioral compliance.
Pearls of Wisdom for Parents
- Provide structure and predictability: Establish clear routines and schedules, and provide ample warning before transitions.
- Pick your battles: Choose which issues are worth addressing and which ones you can let go of.
- Teach problem-solving: Help your child learn how to identify problems, brainstorm solutions, and evaluate different options.
- Model flexibility: Show your child how to adapt to changes and unexpected situations.
- Offer choices: Empower your child by giving them choices within reasonable limits.
While these strategies can be helpful, it’s also important to be aware of potential parenting pitfalls.
Parenting Pitfalls
- Becoming rigid yourself: Avoid getting caught in power struggles or becoming overly inflexible in your own approach.
- Giving in too easily: While it’s important to be flexible, it’s also crucial to maintain consistent boundaries and expectations.
- Overreacting to tantrums: Responding to tantrums with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. Instead, remain calm and provide support.
- Ignoring underlying issues: If rigidity is severe or persistent, it’s important to consider whether there may be underlying anxiety, OCD, or other developmental factors that need to be addressed.
As you likely are aware, this is easier said than done. Read on to learn the top 5 strategies to use as you attempt to provide a nurturing environment for your rigid child.
The 5 Do’s and Don’ts of Parenting a Rigid Child
- DO give warnings, reminders, and ‘a head’s up’ when plans are changed.
It can be beneficial to let your child know that the day will not go as expected. For example, let your child know that you thought you could go to their cousin’s house, but it turns out that you cannot make it today. Be clear and concise as you explain what will happen today instead.
- DON’T over-explain the situation.
If plans are changed and your child is upset, that is okay. Resist the urge to go over it repeatedly. Once your child understands what will happen, stop talking and simply listen.
- DON’T give in to your child’s demands.
Once the decision has been made, remember it is okay if your child is upset about it. Your job is not to make your child happy every minute. Resist the urge to make excessive accommodations to alleviate your child’s concerns.
- DO show empathy and compassion.
If your child doesn’t like that a routine has been changed, it is okay if they cry and express their upset. Listen carefully and reflect back their feelings. You can say, “I understand you are upset. I know you don’t like it when things change like that. I am here to listen.” Even if the child remains upset, stay calm and use a soft voice.
- DO model healthy coping strategies.
It is normal to be upset when things don’t go as planned. As a parent, you can help your child by showing how you deal with such frustrations. You can say, “I really wanted to go to your cousin’s house today too. I was looking forward to that trip. I hope when the weather clears up, we can go over another day.”
If you’re finding it challenging to manage your child’s rigidity, or if their behavior is significantly impacting their daily life, seeking professional support can be beneficial. A child therapist can provide guidance, teach coping strategies, and help your child develop greater flexibility and resilience.
A Final Word on Rigidity in Childhood
Parents, this is not easy. Be patient with yourself and your child as you navigate these stormy seas of responding to change.
Remember, parenting a child with rigid tendencies requires patience, understanding, and a toolbox of strategies. By creating a supportive environment and fostering healthy coping skills, you can help your child navigate their world with greater confidence and ease.
References on rigid behavior in children
Dewdney, A (2007). Llama Llama Mad at Mama.
Greene, Ross W. (2001). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children.
Huebner, Dawn (2005). What to do when you worry too much: A kid’s guide to overcoming anxiety.
Papolos, Demitri & Papolos, Janice (2002). The Bipolar Child: The definitive and reassuring guide to childhood’s most understood disorder.
Seigel, Daniel J. & Bryson, Tina Payne (2014). No drama-discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind.
Tsabary, Shefali (2016). The Awakened Family.